Ask a Ninja

From Wikiquote

Ask a Ninja is a series of comedy videos about the image of ninjas in popular culture available in podcast and vodcast form, as well as in the popular mov and wmv file formats. The first episode was released in November 2005, but production and editing of that initial episode is not as proficient as the episodes from number 2 (January 2006) onwards.

[change] The Ninja

I look forward to killing you soon.

You miss 100% of the people you don't stab.

You know what I will say? My least favorite thing to kill is a robot. And I know what you're thinking: 'What? Robots seem fun to kill.' But There's no splatter with a robot. When I stab something, I like the (squishing sound) I like the squish of a good kill, and robots just don't have it.

If a ninja does anything ANYWHERE, it doesn't make a sound, and if it does, it'll probably be the last sound you ever hear.

Complicated.
- In response to the question "What is integral theory?"

Cherish your dreams, for they are the blue print of YOUR HOUSE OF PAIN!

Whether you think you're dead or not, you're right.

Ninjas were the original 1337.

Thr33 woke up the next morning to find themselves surrounded by one million, eight hundred and ninety-five thousand eight hundred and sixty three severely pissed off monkey-dragons!

One summer I drove a bad humor truck. Alright, who's up for chocolate covered kitten? How 'bout a squirrel with a banana shoved down its throat?

It looks like you need to turn your 'summer job' into a 'fummer job'. I really thought that would work a lot better than it actually did.

There's the myth that santa wears red. That is very true. But, the red comes from the blood of children who have woken up in the middle of the night, snuck downstairs, to try to get a glimpse of santa. Kids- DO NOT DO IT! HE HAS TO KILL YOU!

If ninjas can be accused of anything, it's loving too much. Loving to death, as a matter of fact.

Can colds catch ninjas? Nope. We're faster than germs.

The only disease that a ninja is susceptible to is Saturday Night Fever.

I'll tell you this though: sometimes colds get very lazy, and they hire ninjas to do their work for them. Black Plague: Ninjas. Before we came along, it was just known as 'that thing that's going around'. We can change flu season into 'Hey can I borrow your barn to store the bodies until spring" season faster than Tara Reid can destroy a viable career.

Lines are one of the biggest enemies of the ninja.

They should have a ninja channel.

Ninja lines at ninja meetings, still and straight are the key words. They're constantly throwing shurikens dipped in flesh eating bacteria up and down the aisles. You lean forward a little bit, suddenly you don't have an epidermal layer. Which is helpful, it's good to have a layer of skin.

Honestly, lines are not about making friends.

I like the killin'.

Killing is such a positive thing.

You asking me to stop moving around so much would be like me asking you to stop liking Britney Spears, even though she's a fatty right now.

Giving a ninja something black is like giving crazy to Angelina Jolie. It's like giving guns to Master Chief. Like giving boobs to Dolly Parton. We already have plenty.

I love the spunk.... Don't take that out of context.

Enough
- In response to
  - How much sleep does a ninja get?
  - How much do ninjas bathe?
  - How many different kinds of weapons are there?

A cream puff. A very deadly cream puff. Underneath the pastry it has very sharp angles on it and the cream that's inside is poison and the powdered sugar is actually, uh, powdered swords. That's a pretty deadly food right there. I wouldn't mind being that food. Would not want to eat one though.
- In response to If ninja could be food what food would it be?

Nope. No we do not. But we will play niniature golf, which has some parallels to miniature golf, but I really would not recommend it for a fifth birthday party.
- In response to the question, "Do ninjas play miniature golf?"

Kraken, Kraken, Kraken, Kraken, Kraken.
- (Pirates of the Carribean Review)

Eeny, meeny, miny, dead
Catch a ninja by his head
If he hollers kick him back,
Then remove his still beating heart and watch him die Slow and Painfully.